New Year!

3 months since my last post... Time to get on the stick! Things are low key around here. I am working casual at Mt Carmel St Anns NICU, about 20 hrs/week. Just enough to keep my hands in the mix. I have the world's best babysitter, she is like a grandmother to Ben and keeps the house looking better than when I left it. I was so lucky to find her. She just loves Ben and isnt running for the door when I get home, so far.

Ben is officially 10 months old. He still has no teeth, which is fine with me since I am still nursing. He is cruising, standing on his own and we're waiting any minute for him to take some steps. He is really learning how his toys work which is neat to watch as opposed to just eating them! His laugh and smile are the best part of everyday. He graduated from swimming lessons in December and had a great time being dunked by his dad.

I've been having a good time with my mom's club meetup group. We have a great booknite once/month and just went to the local science museum with the kids last week. They are a great group of girls, very down to earth. I am still missing living in PA. But the pain of it all lessens as time goes on. One thing about moving home after 10 years was how it made all of my relationships change and grow. I became closer with my sister who I had virtually no relationship with before. Despite the miles between my 2 best friends and I that lived there, we have always been close. But after embarking on the trip to motherhood, our friendship reached a new level of closeness. I miss seeing them weekly. I still talk to my mom all the time and we always make a plan of when we will see each other next and makes leaving a little bit easier.
Tony is working like crazy as usual, but hasnt been traveling too much. We are going to Disney and Tampa next month for a conference for Tony's work. Looking forward to seeing the Gruber family!

My son Ben

I need a break from telling the story of the past 6 months. I'm going to tell you about my son Ben, from head to toe, like an assessment, ha!

His hair. Hmmm. What to say? Black and thick at birth, slowly turning light brown. Thin in the back and mullet-like in the front. He was bald for a time in the back from laying on his back. He had cradle cap that was HORRIBLE. It often looks like a toupe when it blows in the breeze.

He has his daddy's eyes and nose for sure. Moms ears and mouth. He drools all day long. His smile and laugh make my day. I never imagined the sound of my baby's laugh would make my heart burst with happiness. His face is broken out most of the time, eczema says the docs, but his eczema cream doesn't usually work.

He is very long and pretty lean. I've never felt such soft skin. His dad holds him up and sings "naked baby" every night before his bath. One day, Ben will pee on him, I'm certain of it. He has Gruber toes.

He loves to sleep, rolls right over when I place him in the crib. But has a big smile when I come in the room to get him up after his naps. I love the way his legs get caught up in his footie pajamas now that he is crawling. He moans when I feed him, which is a little wierd, but he likes to eat, after all he is a Buffum!

Ben loves a schedule, he's a 8-11-2-5-8. He knows if things run off schedule and he's not amused. He currently enjoys a diet of breast milk 5x/day, breakfast (cereal and fruit) and dinner (vegtables and fruit). My mom grinded up one of those toddler meat stick things in the food grinder tonight and it looked like little worms, I thought I was going to barf. I think Ben actually did a little bit.

Ben loves water. Bath time, swimming pools, you name it. I have signed him up for swim lessons at the community center starting in November. I cannot tell a lie, its mostly for us to meet other families. Although, I'm sure Micheal Phelps will have nothing on Ben when its all over. Except for the pot smoking part...

Thats Ben for now. More to come.

Moving Forward

Depressed? Probably. Needing to move forward? Definitely.

My husband didn't ask for us to move. He was lucky to have a job, it could always be worse. At least that is what I kept telling myself.

Ben needed a mother. He needed someone who wasn't mopeing around feeling sad all the time. The moments were passing me by and I was letting them.

Thank god for my friends. I wasn't the only one who had feelings like this after they had a baby. "If it lasted forever, none of us would have another one" True, true. So the house went up for sale after many tears and arguements. We went to my graduation at Duke over Mother's Day. It was a great time to see all the nursing school girls. I even got to see friends from the Duke ICN at dinner one night. I knew a large challenge was looming when we returned home from NC. I had about 3 weeks of maternity leave left and I had to go in to work and tell them, we would be moving.
I struggled with going back at all since I told Tony that I would be agreeable to moving in August. I had 2 jobs. One was per diem in the NICU and the other I had just started as the educator on the mother baby unit. Like, literally just startedin February. It was a great set up too. I worked 40 hours during a pay period. Had my own hours. So, I went in and talked to my boss and basically told her I could come back if she wanted, if she thought it was worth it. So back I went. I worked Mondays, Wednesdays and every other Thursday. My mom, Crissy and Karen watched Ben. I couldn't wait to get home to Ben every day.
He was such a good baby. He slept through the night at 8 weeks. He napped well (once I put him in his own room). He smiled and laughed and loved it when his daddy came home. We did not love running out of the house when there was a showing and driving around for an hour. But, we were some of the lucky ones. The house sold in a month. Mostly due to the fact that Wiechert relocation company owned us. They dictated the price the house could be listed, which was not much. That was frustrating since we had only owned the place for 1 year. But, at least it sold.

Baby birth

Continued...
(These posts may be long and may seem negative, but I want to remember how I felt during the first few months so that if I experience any of it again, I know I can come out of it a-ok)

I woke up in the PACU about 2 hours after Ben was born. I was alone and just remember yelling for my mom. As soon as she got there, I was yelling for the baby and asking if he was okay. It was so weird. I've always heard people can have strange reactions to anesthesia. The nurse came in and gave me ativan. When I calmed down, the pain set in. Meanwhile, my husband and infant are nowhere to be seen. They finally come down to the PACU from newborn nursery. I can barely stay awake. With fuzzy vision, I spy this huge bundle with a black mess of hair. I am sad as I write this account, as I don't remember the first time looking into his eyes or letting him grip my finger for the first time. I told my mom I had to nurse him since he was LGA and surely he was hypoglycemic. I do remember the look on her face as she apprehensively assisted me. The look on her face saying "Are you kidding, you can't even move and can barely even see" That didn't work and Tony gave him a bottle as I lay there unable to stay awake.
Fast forward.
We had found out about 2 weeks prior to Ben's due date that Tony's job was being transformed into a different role and we were expected to relocate to Columbus, Ohio. I'll never forget him telling me. It was February 23rd. I felt like someone pounded on my chest and kicked me in the stomach. Never have I been so upset. The results of this announcement caused a great divide in our home. I felt like career was all that mattered to Tony. Not that it mattered if it did or not, there wasn't a job left in Allentown for him to stay at if he didn't want to go to Columbus. I felt as if my career and my happiness were an afterthought.
We came home from the hospital and Tony's new role started immediately, he had to travel back and forth from Columbus every week. We were lucky his company supported this arrangement for awhile until I was ready to move. It was awful for him, he missed seeing Ben all week.
I was lucky to have an amazing support system. My mom frequently stayed over at my house. My best friends were there all the time. My girlfriends lived far away called constantly. I never felt alone physically.
Emotionally, my heart ached. My baby, my angel was so understanding and patient with his clueless momma. Forget any neonatal nursing experience or master degrees specializing in babies, I had no idea what was going on. For a month, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't nap during the day. Never mind the fact that I had him sleeping in the pack n play in the living room with the dogs yip yapping and click clacking on the hardwood floors, the lights and the TV on. He ate every 3 hours and nursed beautifully. Except that it took 45-50 minutes. I knew it was a big commitment in my mind, but actually doing it was a whole other feat. He just scowled at me all day long. I was in pain all the time and couldn't walk very far or do anything without shaking. It was only after I illegally read my chart at work that I found out I had mildly hemorrhaged after my section. While I lay in bed, the resident suggested I take some iron when you couldn't tell where the sheets ended and I began.
I missed Tony. I resented him. He was off at work dinners while I was sitting at home getting up during the night and changing all the diapers. I was so sad all of the time. I felt like it was his fault that I couldn't enjoy my baby the way I was supposed to. New babies were supposed to be like rainbows and rose petals right? Where was all the love and sappiness?
http://www.birthtruth.org/mycesareanpoem.htm

Now there are 3

Well, here we are... nearly 7 months since my last post. So much to catch my 4 readers up on :) Perhaps, I will use this blog as a journal of sorts. So, it may ramble, it may not make sense to you, but that is okay, after all, it is my blog.

Benjamin arrived almost 2 weeks late. Every day waking up like Groundhog day. I would squint in the morning and think maybe if I don't open my eyes, than another day will not have gone by that I didn't go into labor. Wednesday I went to lunch with Gretchen for mexican. The next morning at 0700 the contractions started. They were all in my back and were about 20 minutes apart. I had a biophysical profile scheduled for that morning and called the office to tell them I didn't want to come in because I thought I was in early labor and wanted to stay home and sleep. Secretly, there was a blue whale special on The Discovery Channel that I had DVR'd and wanted to see. But the chumps made me come in to do my NST and fluid level anyway. All of course were fine. They remarked admirably on my endurance of not desiring an induction. Although, no so much that they didn't schedule one for the 42 week mark. That was okay with me.

I went home, watched the Whale special, and could not get in a comfy position. In hind site, I should have been walking around. My mom came over, Tony came home from work, those 2 clowns had delicious Applebee ribs and burgers and I had panera chicken soup. Mom said, you'll thank me later. All night, the contractions were low in my back. I took numerous showers and they only ever got 5 minutes apart. Tony was working on a presentation till 0300. I paced all night long. At 0600 I went outside for a walk, the morning came and they contractions had spaced out to 7-8 minutes. I called the ob since it had been 24 hours. I went in and was 4 cm and 90%. She told me to go to the hospital where they would admit me directly.

To the hospital we went, excitement mounting, I was feeling good, tired, but good. We got there and were checked in, where they let me walk and said as long as you're progressing on your own, we dont need to intervene. Even though I liked my nurse, she said "You're here to have a baby, we will medically manage you, if you didn't want to be managed, you could have stayed at home".

Well then.

I walk, I get in the tub. The tub was amazing. Tony brought in the ipod and it felt zen like. He was a great coach. We couldn't wait to meet our big man. When I get out of the tub, I am 6cm. 2 hours later, they check me and I am still 6cm. Its 3pm. They break my water. No more zen. Insane pain that I can't breathe through. I make it 2 hours with my water broken and get to 7 cm, and decide for the epidural. They started pit and decide they cant figure out why I am not moving at the speed of light. In goes the IUPC. By about 9, I make it 8 cm and then 9 cm by about 1030. The doctor tells me Ben's head is transverse and flexed instead of tucked. So 9cm is where I stay...

0230 The doctor decides a csection is the best option. I am devestated. I trusted my body. I'm a healthy woman. I made this baby from scratch. Surely, I can push him out.

My night shift nurse was in midwifery school. She did not console me, she did not turn off the pit once a section was decided upon. Despite the fact that my epidural was patchy. And to boot, she ran my bed into the wall several times while taking me to the OR. Details details...

I hate laying on the OR table, it felt like FOREVER. They had my gown pulled up to get ready to prep my belly. But they were waiting for more people. So the residents were just chatting to themselves while I was there naked and cold. I hated it.

The anesthesiologist dosed my epdidural and they used the tweezers to see if I was blocked. I felt it. He tried 4 more times, I felt it. Due to a spinal column injury, the epidural was not providing me with surgical coverage. I was then put under general anesthesia.

To be continued...

Waiting for a baby...

ld

39 weeks!

Well, I have not been very good at keeping up with this blog! We are 3 days away from D-day, which may not mean anything, it could be 10 more days!! I am feeling good other than the leftovers of a cold. Things have been pretty nuts around here for the past month. I started my new job at the beginning of February as the educator on the mom baby unit. I thought it would be smart to get my foot in the door before I went out on maternity leave. It was definitely not as easy as I thought. Trying to get to know people (when I can barely remember their names) and figuring out my role all while having placenta brain... It was almost a relief when I worked shifts in NICU because at least I could go in there and feel comfortable. Transitioning from a bed side nurse to more of a CNS is definitely a challenge. But, there is a lot of work to be done in that unit and I feel blessed that it is part-time which will allow me to 1) spend lots of time with my new addition and 2) still work per diem in the NICU, my first true love.
Tony's job has provided us with more than challenges with the prospect of relocation. I will remain in denial about this until it actually happens. I feel like I have everything I could want, living near my friends and family, a great home, new baby, perfect (well-paying) job scenario. Leaving is not something I am remotely interested in. In this economy, if there is one thing I have learned, no one is unscathed and we are all lucky we have gainful employment.
But for the time being, the focus is Big Ben and anticipating his arrival! Hopefully my next post will include pics of the handsome boy.

My shower and more

I suppose the reality of the fact that I will be giving birth soon really set in with the event of the baby shower. This was one of the best days of my entire life. Karen and Mo helped my mom put it together and even Tony added his 2 sense. It was safari themed, just like the nursery. It was a freezing day everyone still came including my 93 old great grandmother, family from Maryland and all my girls from Pittsburgh who drove 5 hours to spend the weekend here. Good thing it was the weekend before the super bowl!! It was a great feeling having everyone you love in one place. Almost like your wedding day... Big Ben got alot of great loot. We got our stroller and carseat, pack n play, bouncy chair, onesies and receiving blankets, lots of great books, toys, a steelers jersey onesie and some other stuff for the nursery.
Some days it feels like only yesterday that we found out we were having a baby. I remember every detail, even what I was wearing. Monday June 30, I worked night shift, my only night shift at Lehigh Valley Hospital ever, thought I would orient to nights just in case... xray came and I said jokingly hey, my period is late maybe I should back up from the bedside... I came home and went to sleep, I don't what I dreamt about but when I woke up I had this overwhelming force to go to eckerd and buy a pregnancy test. I was like this is negative what a waste of 17.99, and was so not even phased, I stopped by Kohls first to check out their sales on the way home. So I got home, took the test and was in shock when the plus sign came up. I got in my car and was like omygod omygod omygod omygod and drove to Mo's house, thank god she was home. I busted in to her house and yelled to her upstairs, you need to come downstairs immediately. I held the pee stick out to her and she almost dropped her 9 month old on the floor. After some momentary freaking out, we realized how insanely fantastic this was. I set out to find a gift to tell Tony with. I bought him a Dallas cowboys beer mug and a little cowboys football. I wrote him a note from the baby that said I can't wait to play football with you, love your new baby. Of course, he was in CT for work until that night. I ignored his phone calls all day. Then, he got stuck behind an accident 15 miles from our house and didn't get home until 11pm. I was DYING with excitement. He got home and I said I have a present for you, he opened it and turned to look at me in slow motion with this quirky smile on his face and I held the test up for him to see ( I couldn't put the pee stick down all day) and started screaming. I'll never forget the way he looked at me. I am so glad he is my husband, I couldn't imagine being happier with anyone else.