Continued...
(These posts may be long and may seem negative, but I want to remember how I felt during the first few months so that if I experience any of it again, I know I can come out of it a-ok)
I woke up in the PACU about 2 hours after Ben was born. I was alone and just remember yelling for my mom. As soon as she got there, I was yelling for the baby and asking if he was okay. It was so weird. I've always heard people can have strange reactions to anesthesia. The nurse came in and gave me ativan. When I calmed down, the pain set in. Meanwhile, my husband and infant are nowhere to be seen. They finally come down to the PACU from newborn nursery. I can barely stay awake. With fuzzy vision, I spy this huge bundle with a black mess of hair. I am sad as I write this account, as I don't remember the first time looking into his eyes or letting him grip my finger for the first time. I told my mom I had to nurse him since he was LGA and surely he was hypoglycemic. I do remember the look on her face as she apprehensively assisted me. The look on her face saying "Are you kidding, you can't even move and can barely even see" That didn't work and Tony gave him a bottle as I lay there unable to stay awake.
Fast forward.
We had found out about 2 weeks prior to Ben's due date that Tony's job was being transformed into a different role and we were expected to relocate to Columbus, Ohio. I'll never forget him telling me. It was February 23rd. I felt like someone pounded on my chest and kicked me in the stomach. Never have I been so upset. The results of this announcement caused a great divide in our home. I felt like career was all that mattered to Tony. Not that it mattered if it did or not, there wasn't a job left in Allentown for him to stay at if he didn't want to go to Columbus. I felt as if my career and my happiness were an afterthought.
We came home from the hospital and Tony's new role started immediately, he had to travel back and forth from Columbus every week. We were lucky his company supported this arrangement for awhile until I was ready to move. It was awful for him, he missed seeing Ben all week.
I was lucky to have an amazing support system. My mom frequently stayed over at my house. My best friends were there all the time. My girlfriends lived far away called constantly. I never felt alone physically.
Emotionally, my heart ached. My baby, my angel was so understanding and patient with his clueless momma. Forget any neonatal nursing experience or master degrees specializing in babies, I had no idea what was going on. For a month, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't nap during the day. Never mind the fact that I had him sleeping in the pack n play in the living room with the dogs yip yapping and click clacking on the hardwood floors, the lights and the TV on. He ate every 3 hours and nursed beautifully. Except that it took 45-50 minutes. I knew it was a big commitment in my mind, but actually doing it was a whole other feat. He just scowled at me all day long. I was in pain all the time and couldn't walk very far or do anything without shaking. It was only after I illegally read my chart at work that I found out I had mildly hemorrhaged after my section. While I lay in bed, the resident suggested I take some iron when you couldn't tell where the sheets ended and I began.
I missed Tony. I resented him. He was off at work dinners while I was sitting at home getting up during the night and changing all the diapers. I was so sad all of the time. I felt like it was his fault that I couldn't enjoy my baby the way I was supposed to. New babies were supposed to be like rainbows and rose petals right? Where was all the love and sappiness?
http://www.birthtruth.org/mycesareanpoem.htm
(These posts may be long and may seem negative, but I want to remember how I felt during the first few months so that if I experience any of it again, I know I can come out of it a-ok)
I woke up in the PACU about 2 hours after Ben was born. I was alone and just remember yelling for my mom. As soon as she got there, I was yelling for the baby and asking if he was okay. It was so weird. I've always heard people can have strange reactions to anesthesia. The nurse came in and gave me ativan. When I calmed down, the pain set in. Meanwhile, my husband and infant are nowhere to be seen. They finally come down to the PACU from newborn nursery. I can barely stay awake. With fuzzy vision, I spy this huge bundle with a black mess of hair. I am sad as I write this account, as I don't remember the first time looking into his eyes or letting him grip my finger for the first time. I told my mom I had to nurse him since he was LGA and surely he was hypoglycemic. I do remember the look on her face as she apprehensively assisted me. The look on her face saying "Are you kidding, you can't even move and can barely even see" That didn't work and Tony gave him a bottle as I lay there unable to stay awake.
Fast forward.
We had found out about 2 weeks prior to Ben's due date that Tony's job was being transformed into a different role and we were expected to relocate to Columbus, Ohio. I'll never forget him telling me. It was February 23rd. I felt like someone pounded on my chest and kicked me in the stomach. Never have I been so upset. The results of this announcement caused a great divide in our home. I felt like career was all that mattered to Tony. Not that it mattered if it did or not, there wasn't a job left in Allentown for him to stay at if he didn't want to go to Columbus. I felt as if my career and my happiness were an afterthought.
We came home from the hospital and Tony's new role started immediately, he had to travel back and forth from Columbus every week. We were lucky his company supported this arrangement for awhile until I was ready to move. It was awful for him, he missed seeing Ben all week.
I was lucky to have an amazing support system. My mom frequently stayed over at my house. My best friends were there all the time. My girlfriends lived far away called constantly. I never felt alone physically.
Emotionally, my heart ached. My baby, my angel was so understanding and patient with his clueless momma. Forget any neonatal nursing experience or master degrees specializing in babies, I had no idea what was going on. For a month, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't nap during the day. Never mind the fact that I had him sleeping in the pack n play in the living room with the dogs yip yapping and click clacking on the hardwood floors, the lights and the TV on. He ate every 3 hours and nursed beautifully. Except that it took 45-50 minutes. I knew it was a big commitment in my mind, but actually doing it was a whole other feat. He just scowled at me all day long. I was in pain all the time and couldn't walk very far or do anything without shaking. It was only after I illegally read my chart at work that I found out I had mildly hemorrhaged after my section. While I lay in bed, the resident suggested I take some iron when you couldn't tell where the sheets ended and I began.
I missed Tony. I resented him. He was off at work dinners while I was sitting at home getting up during the night and changing all the diapers. I was so sad all of the time. I felt like it was his fault that I couldn't enjoy my baby the way I was supposed to. New babies were supposed to be like rainbows and rose petals right? Where was all the love and sappiness?
http://www.birthtruth.org/mycesareanpoem.htm
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